


Selfishness Isn't Reserved for You

by DontAtKiwi



Category: Sugar Pine 7 RPF
Genre: Angst, CaptainSparklez - Freeform, M/M, mentions of cheating, no happy endings here boys, sugar pine seven, syndisparklez, synhd - Freeform, tom syndicate - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 17:29:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16748458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontAtKiwi/pseuds/DontAtKiwi
Summary: Alfredo has just returned from Germany and Tom comes to visit Jordan. No one can grapple with their emotions properly, no matter how much time or distance is added in between





	Selfishness Isn't Reserved for You

Tom was ecstatic to be back in LA. The weather in England had been frankly abhorrent as of late, but it only took one spontaneous plane ticket to take him away from the cold and rain and into the cheerful atmosphere of the city of angels. 

The weather wasn't the only thing that had brought him here, however. Tom had been missing his friends, long distance isn't easy. And being a social butterfly like he was, there were quite a few people he wanted to see on his trip, most prominently Jordan. He had a lot of friends that he bounced between when he came to visit but he always made sure he had time for Jordan. Not only was he enticingly handsome, Jordan was an absolute legend and they got along like Minecraft streamers who had known each other for years. Which they were. 

Despite Tom's idea of a perfect trip, hanging out with Jordan all day and riding around in his fancy cars, Tom was busy and had people to see and vlogs to make. But he did have a lunch date with the man this afternoon, which was, he supposed, better than nothing at all. 

After recovering from a night of drinking he arrived at Jordan's house, letting himself in through the porch, which was surprisingly unlocked. 

“Jordan?” He called out, stepping inside. “There's so much dirt on your floor, christ" he continued with a mumble, toeing his shoes off. 

Tom figured he was probably editing and had headphones on, so he made his way to Jordan's office, still yelling his name. 

“Are you deaf? Jardoooon!” 

Jordan's head popped up suddenly from the top of the stairs. He looked a little frazzled. “Oh Tom, you let yourself in. Um, come on up I guess, give me a moment.” 

“Okayyy, warm welcome you're putting out here mate.” Tom replied with a pout. But Jordan had already disappeared again so Tom stomped up the steps and flopped on his couch. 

When it seemed like his muscled friend wouldn't make an immediate return, Tom took out his phone and messed around idly, trying to stave off boredom. Finally Jordan appeared again, a strained smile on his face. 

“Ready for lunch?”

“Uh, yeah are you okay dude?” Tom queried, looking him over. Jordan seemed a little more gaunt than usual, a bit of his usual bulk missing. His eyes also seemed unfocused, like he was preoccupied with other thoughts.

“I, yeah I'm-” he began before pausing and rubbing at the back of his head, sighing deeply. “Alfredo came back from Germany today.” 

Tom immediately froze, looking his friend up and down. Jordan had been, well not dating, but in some sort of relationship with this guy named Alfredo for a long time now. The specifics of their relationship was something that Tom had never really asked about and frankly had always been a little hurt that Jordan never shared any details regarding it. They talked so openly about everything all the time so the fact that Jordan kept quiet about Alfredo was always strange to Tom. What he did know was that for a good while Jordan was really happy with him. They spent a lot of time together and it seemed like Alfredo even lived with Jordan for stretches at a time. It started getting weird after a while though, Jordan started closing himself off from his friends and back out of plans with no real excuse. He said he was just really busy. Tom suppose that could've been the truth, but it was easier to blame Alfredo. 

Jordan had seemed like he was genuinely mad at Alfredo for something once, and it was one of the few times Tom heard anything about him from Jordan directly. He mumbled dispassionately about how Alfredo had leaked something embarrassing to someone he knew Jordan didn't like. But then he followed it up by saying that 'Alfredo probably doesn't remember even doing it, and I don't think he did it to hurt me.’ which struck Tom as a pretty bright red flag. Sticking his nose into his friend's personal lives wasn't something he did, however, and he let it go, keeping an eye on Jordan's behavior in the background. Jordan didn’t bring up Alfredo again. 

A few months ago Tom had run into Ian from Smosh at an event and Tom didn't know why but he asked him if he knew about the mysterious boyfriend. Ian was a part of Jordan's Sunday driving crew so he figured he'd be in the know. The following conversation had been enlightening yet confusing in its own right. 

“Oh Alfredo? Yeah I know him, he's one of the freelance cinematographers for Sugar Pine 7. He's dating Jordan, is that why you asked?” 

“Uh yeah, it's just, and I don't really like to pry into things, but Jordan never talks about him. I know he's a private guy but he's my mate, and I know literally nothing about this bloke.”

“Yeah I don't think anyone knows much about him. I don't think his first language is English and he doesn't seem exactly human, as weird as that is to say out loud. No one knows really who or what he is. He's super rude though. Might just be a language barrier, I don't want to assume. I will say he acts with a sort of terrifying reckless abandon.” he laughed awkwardly.

Tom frowned but tried to keep the conversation light. “How did Jordan meet someone like that?”

“Probably through Steven, honestly, he hangs with a weird crowd. But I've heard the dudes packing,” he cuts himself off with a laugh, slapping Tom on the shoulder “so I can't exactly blame Jordan.” He paused then, thinking. “He's also, oddly entrancing. Very attractive in his own bizzare way if that makes sense. I couldn't describe him if you asked me to though.” 

Tom had found that weird. Jordan never seemed to be the sort of person to be motivated by any sort of emotion at all really, least of all sexual attraction, but here he was, gallivanting around with some monster who apparently packed serious heat. It was unusual to say the least. 

“Do you know anything about their relationship? You don't have to answer.”

“No it's whatever. He um, sometimes he cancels on our drives, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Alfredo not wanting him to go. I don't know, they get up to weird stuff, some of it is on the SP7 vlogs, I'm assuming you haven't seen them if you're asking.”

 

Tom hadn't seen them, but a quick comb through YouTube later and he had a little more context. Alfredo never showed his face on camera but he sure showed his personality. He was intriguing if not incredibly bizarre. There were even a few episodes that featured Jordan, but the insight into their relationship wasn't exactly deep. Though it seemed to Tom that Jordan wanted something more romantic than whatever it was that they had. It also seemed that Alfredo flitted from one interest to the next with little concern for Jordan's feelings.

Those were just judgments though. Tom realized he wasn't being fair or impartial. He was probably reading into what he wanted to see. But Jordan mattered a great deal to him and he didn't approve of Alfredo, no matter how selfish it made him seem. 

He had brought it up to Jordan once in a phone call, told him that if anything was ever going on, he would be there to listen. Jordan brushed him off with a charismatic laugh and an assurance that everything was fine. 

But Tom watched more of the vlogs. He knew that Alfredo wasn't faithful with Jordan, or at least acted as if he wasn't on camera. And Alfredo didn't seem the type to say anything other than what he was thinking in any given moment. It gave him an air of dangerous spontaneity that was frankly more than a little intimidating. Tom didn't know if Jordan knew about Alfredo's other sexual exploits, or if that was just part of a more open relationship, but Tom didn't like it. He felt a sick knot form in his stomach whenever he thought about it. It was a feeling he later learned to be jealousy. It made him feel dirty, like he was going behind Jordan's back, passing judgments on his relationship. 

And then, randomly, a month or so ago, everything seemed to change back to normal. Jordan was chipper again with no reserves, hanging out and laughing with friends. Tom was glad, but jealous that perhaps he and Alfredo had worked out whatever issues they were going through and were back on track. Tom felt guilty about those feelings until he learned that Alfredo had gone to Germany. Alfredo wasn't around. And Jordan was happy again, and busier than ever. 

And it wasn't like Tom thought about Jordan and Alfredo all the time. Jordan spoke of him so infrequently that it was almost like he didn't have a partner sometimes. But when he was brought up Tom always felt conflicted. It was during a stretch of time where Tom wasn't thinking about Alfredo that he booked the plane tickets to Los Angeles. But now that he was here, staring Jordan in the face that he remembered. And he felt sick to his stomach.

 

“Oh. What did he say?” Tom began tentatively.

Jordan eased himself down onto the couch, keeping his eyes on the floor. “He sent me so many letters when he was in Germany, did you know that?” Jordan asked instead, a breathy laugh sounding from his chest. “He wrote 662 letters in the span of a month, it's ridiculous. Some were no more than a few words at a time or a half a dozen nonsensical phrases but the sheer volume was overwhelming.” He paused, taking a long shuddering breath. “I didn't respond to any of them. I kept myself so busy as an excuse that I've barely had time to take care of myself.” Tom looked him over. It seems he was right in thinking Jordan looked thinner. “But I was afraid that if I didn't keep myself busy I'd be obligated to respond, which is stupid.” He let out an embarrassed chuckle. 

Tom didn't respond, his emotions were swirling hotly inside of him. Why was Jordan so reluctant to write back to Alfredo? What had gone on between them before he left?

“I didn't want to respond to him. He was gone, he was in Germany, I didn't have to think about him anymore or worry about him showing up at random times.” Jordan stopped, stuttering slightly. “Alfredo is a confusing, um, guy, which isn't his fault I don't think, I should be better at reading him by now to be honest. But he'd come over and sometimes we'd have such a good time that I'd want him to stay for good.” He sighed, placing his head in his hands. “But then he'd leave and the next time he'd come back he'd say a bunch of weird stuff and act weird and it wasn't enjoyable. He was...mean, sometimes. And that's just how he is to everyone-” Jordan backpedaled, “it's just how he is, I don't really care, it doesn't matter to me. He's good when he's not being,” he trailed off searching for the right words, “too much. Real good.”

Jordan trailed off and Tom could tell his face was flushed beneath his hands. Seeing Jordan so worked up like this was uncomfortable, only in part due to the fact that his friend rarely showed any emotional reaction to anything. And the jealousy pooled inside of him again, that Jordan felt so strongly about someone else. About someone who treated him with such disregard. 

“Look mate, I-”

Jordan cut him off, lost in his emotional tirade. “And I thought that if I didn't respond I would never have to think about him again and I wouldn't have to be so confused, because I'm an adult and I shouldn't be so messed up about this. It's embarrassing. Who has problems like this? It's surreal.” He sighed, resting his chin on his knuckles. “But he came back, today. And he came over. And he said,” Jordan swallowed thickly, broad shoulders hunched inwards. “That he felt like we weren't close anymore. And that I had meant everything to him. And he apologized.” The shorter man shook his head, wiping at his eyes. “And I didn't write him back. The whole time he was in Germany. I ignored him. And he apologized and I meant everything to him and he gave me such an amazing gift I,” he took in another shuddering breath. “I didn't want to see him anymore. But now, I don't know. I've ruined it.” 

“Jordan…” Tom started, unsure of what to say. Internally he was conflicted. He was glad that Alfredo was shitty for purely selfish reasons, but of course he also felt bad for the man sitting in front of him. 

Jordan chuckled weakly shaking his head, and sitting more upright. “That was...I shouldn't have said all that, and I shouldn't have dumped it on you, I’m sorry. Actually I'd prefer if we just forgot this conversation happened, yeah?”

Tom couldn't help but feel crushed. Even now Jordan was pulling away, taking his personal life and putting it back into the chest where he kept it, just when Tom had been privileged enough to catch a glimpse. Those thoughts were entitled, and he felt disgusting again for thinking them. 

Jordan was his friend. One of his best friends. He wasn't obligated to tell Tom anything if he didn't want to. But Tom couldn't stop the overwhelming need to be a part of Jordan's life and know what was going on. 

He needed to make sure Jordan was okay. 

He needed Jordan. 

 

His eyes flitted up to meet Jordan's and suddenly his heartbeat was incredibly loud. It drowned out the little voice in his head that told him to stop doing what he was about to do. 

He leaned forward, and Jordan wasn't stopping him. 

Then Tom was kissing him. He was shocked at himself, he didn't even know where the impulse had come from, really. But before he could back away, admit his mistake, Jordan was surging forward, grabbing Tom's upper arms and pulling him onto his lap. Tom grunted as the stronger man deepened the kiss. His lips were soft and Tom licked his own to better slide against Jordan's. Heat bubbled in his belly and his head was buzzing, he couldn't stop. There was something about kissing Jordan that was so addicting. He had the excuse of doing it for the views when he was on camera, but now he had nothing to hide behind. It was just the two of them, Tom on Jordan's lap as they clutched each other like lifelines. 

Tom pulled back briefly to suck in a breath and Jordan let out a soft sound as their lips popped apart. 

“Oh fuck.” Tom panted before Jordan pulled him back against his body, lips hot and furious against Tom's. Jordan was strong and he held Tom in a way that made him dizzy with desperation. He grabbed Jordan back, hands dragging heavily over the stronger man’s hips and sides. Jordan seemed to take that as an invitation and opened his lips, encouraging Tom to lick sloppily into his mouth. The younger man exhaled hotly through his nose and he matched Jordan's fervor. Tom felt warm, it was becoming too much. The next time Jordan pulled back to suck in a breath a pang of confliction thrummed through him. 

What was he doing. 

Jordan pressed his kiss swollen lips back against Tom's and he couldn't help but respond. 

Jordan felt good, but he shouldn't be doing this. 

Jordan made a pleased humming noise in the back of his throat. 

Tom was taking advantage of him. 

Jordan pulled Tom flush against his muscled chest. Whimpering softly Tom squeezed his eyes shut and tried to burn the feeling of Jordan against him into his memory. This wouldn't last. it wouldn't because he had to end it. 

This was wrong. 

Tom shoved hard against Jordan's chest, breaking them apart. “This wasn't a good idea.” he panted, keeping his palms pressed firmly against the muscular man's pecs. 

“Tom.” Jordan said in a sharp, breathless tone, tugging on Tom's upper arms. 

“No, Jordan, I don't want to be your rebound,” he murmured, voice cracking. “Because you just broke up with- what, was he even your boyfriend?”

Jordan exhaled gruffly, chest still heaving. “I don't know, Christ Tom, just-” 

“That's fucked Jordan, that's fucked! You don't even fucking know what he was to you. Did he just use you for sex?” He sucked in a ragged breath. “Alfredo was cheating on you.” He burst out, voice raising.

“Calm down.” Jordan said firmly. “I never told you about our relationship, you're assuming I didn't know, or that we didn't talk about it. Why do you think I never talk about my private life, Jesus, I-” both their voices were raised now. Jordan looked offended, no longer kiss drunk and pliable beneath him. 

Tom struggled to clamber off Jordan's lap but the stronger man was still holding his arms in a vice like grip. 

“I am assuming! Because this is a fucked mess! I want to be here for you, I'm your friend, I care about you! But you never told me anything about him, what was I supposed to think? You're all fucked up over this shithead who fucked you and treated you like shit, for fucks sake Jordan, I don't want this!”

“It's my private life. I don't like talking about it, which is a personal choice, which isn't about you, or how much or little I trust you. Did you think that was it, just-” he exhaled roughly. “The sex was good Tom is that what you wanted to hear? That that's all it was! Just sex, nothing more, that's what you wanted right? So you could feel,” he let go, waving his right hand in a jerky gesture, “I don't know, vindicated in your jealousy?!” 

Their voices had reached too high a level of volume and the echo of it rang out in the house as they sat there, breathing heavily, still much too close. 

Tom exhaled sharply through his nose before continuing an an intense but lower volume. “I was jealous, Jordan. Because that crazy fucker got to have you, and, and he was cheating on you and you knew it, and I know you didn't want that! That you couldn't have wanted that!” 

Jordan squeezed his eyes shut, letting go of Tom completely. “You don't know anything about what I wanted. You don't know anything about what my relationship with him was...”

“Did you!?” Tom exclaimed, desperation and exasperation tearing from his hoarse throat. 

Jordan didn't respond, letting the silence stretch between them. It said more than he could have. 

“I don't want to fight.” Jordan finally said, sounding drained. “I don't want to fight over this.”

Neither did Tom. He never wanted this. He wanted to see Jordan happy. And maybe he wanted Jordan too, selfishly. Foolishly he thought he could just fix it, with a kiss, rewrite everything as if Tom had been there from the beginning to tell Jordan that maybe Alfredo was bad news, that he destroyed everything he touched. But Jordan was happy then. He wasn't now. That was Tom's doing. 

“Let's get lunch some other time.” Tom mumbled, climbing off of Jordan and busying himself with smoothing out his clothes. 

He heard Jordan sigh and place his head in his hands. 

“Yeah. Some other time.”

“I'm sorry Jordan.”

“Don't-” Jordan said, holding up a halting hand. “Don't apologize. I shouldn't have let this run away from me. I'm unbalanced right now, it was a mistake.” 

Tom winced. He was unsure if the mistake Jordan was referring to was letting himself feel something for once in his life, or kissing Tom. Regardless it stung. He felt a yawning hole open up in his core, and he knew it was that his relationship with Jordan had forever changed. 

Their silence persisted, they were done talking. 

Tom left without saying goodbye.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if I'll make a habit of writing for sp7verse but hey it was fun despite all the angst  
> I've always wanted to know more about the workings of Jordan and Alfredo's relationship and since sp7 gives us so few details I decided to stick in my own.   
> I left this vaguely open ended in case I wanted to go back to it or if there was enough demand so I dunno
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr ---> dontatkiwi.tumblr.com


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